HEAVEN AND HELL JOKES
1.Punishment for Gates
Satan greets him:
"Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a
big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in
which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented
and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving
lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight,
he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill
to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!"
cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing
"Control, Alt and Delete."
2.Dealing with a lawyer
new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into
Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint
Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's
more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back,
affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his
50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
3.A forester and lawyer
A forester and a lawyer were
in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them
to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which
turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns
to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway,
down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says
"Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."
4.Gates gets punishment
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill
Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven
or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created
that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide
where you want to go."
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference
between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you
can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for
a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke,
Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit
warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came
across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait
to see heaven."
Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was
off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing
in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped
his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided
to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to
a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.
"So, how is everything
going?" God asked.
Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's
nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with
the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?
"That was the demo," replied God.
should they say?
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all
asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about
you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!" ( smart guy...^_^
6.Qualifying for Heaven
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together
at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just
made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring
with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the
trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to
the lawyer. "Name them."